Vol. 3 – Sexual Predator Forced Into Early Retirement

By Ryan Gaston

With a record going back over 15 years, spanning across 7 states, and with over two dozen arrests to his credit, Keith Hale is finally retiring from his career as a sexual predator.

Creeping in Michigan: Hale in 2008

In the past, Hale has been found guilty of a wide range of offenses, from Peeping Tom-ism to Indecent Exposure. He has also been terminated from at least four different jobs as a result of sexual harassment based charges.

While his statistics are impressive enough on their own, Hale adds, “I’ve done a lot of work off the record that I’m proud of as well.”

Hales’ long and illustrious career most notably began the semester following his high school graduation. Hale reportedly used the money he received for graduation to buy a used early 90s utility van with tinted windows only on the front doors, and began showing up randomly at various high school functions like fundraisers and sporting events. This eventually progressed into waiting in the parking lot at the end of the day when classes let out, and watching students walk to their cars.

“Yeah, I remember seeing him,” says Kelly Holland, a graduate the year following Hale. “He would just sit in the parking lot with his van idling every afternoon, and so I always thought he was just offering to give people a ride home…” Holland added, “I worked as an aide in the counselors’ office my senior year, and a few times I’d see girls come in a day or two after noticing them talking to him in the parking lot, but I didn’t think anything of it. Plus, we weren’t allowed to ask what they had come in for anyway.”

Eventually Hale was barred from coming to the high school, or any high school related function. “Yeah, I remember getting that first restraining order like it was yesterday,” Hale said nostalgically. “That’s the one that started it all.”

In the years that followed Hale found his popularity growing wildly as his face began showing up on numerous websites, and in databases all across the country. “You get to meet a lot of people, you know? I mean, every time I would move to a new neighborhood, I always went to introduce myself to all the new neighbors, just to say hello, and tell them a little about myself. It was fun, meeting new people and everything, but I found that people aren’t always as open and friendly as I am. That’s partly why I ended up having to move around so much.”

Community events such as this were a constant place find Hale lurking about.

When asked about what ultimately made him decide that it was time to retire, Hale just shrugged and smiled, not really giving a direct answer, but simply saying that the idea of retirement came from a long time acquaintance, Sheriff Louis Garrett.

“Sheriff [Garrett] had told me for quite some time that the end was near, and he was right. I just didn’t want to believe it,” Hale tells us over the phone while staring blankly through the thick plexiglass that separated the other side of the room. Hale then continued, as if reflecting on his past triumphs, “After a while, you just lose track of it all. But still, I think I’ve done pretty well for myself… I realize that there’s still plenty left that I could accomplish, but looking back, I know that I’ve done my best, and I’m content with that.”

The interview was then cut short as Hale was escorted from the phone room, and reportedly back to solitary confinement.

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Vol. 2 – Co-Workers Endure Months Of Victimization At Hand Of Fellow Employee

By Ryan Gaston

Employees at the office of Silotech International have been the victims of multiple attacks over the last few months from a fellow office mate named Kenny Hytner. The attacks, however, have not been violent, but instead Hytner has aggressively forced his high opinion of the movie “Role Models” on anyone foolish enough to engage him in a conversation. Beginning last November when the film was released in theaters, Hytner used every opportunity he could to discuss his favorite parts of the movie, and explain, in detail, the best jokes, and why they were funny. Hytner used such means as email, inter-office phone calls, and surprise pop-ins to ambush people who were quietly working at their desks giving them no chance to get away, all the while insisting to his co-workers that they go see “the funniest movie I’ve seen since ‘Without A Paddle.’”

Ross Gants, a long time sufferer of Hytners’ relentlessness tells us “One of the most annoying parts for me at least is that I know more about the movie than [Hytner] does, and I haven’t seen it yet. When he tells people about the movie, he only refers to the actors by the movies they’ve already been in, not their real names, or even the names of their characters. So when he tells me about what ‘Stifler’ did or simply ‘that one guy,’ I know he’s talking about Sean William Scott and Paul Rudd.”

When asked if he thought he would ever see the movie, after hearing the plot and jokes recited day after day, Gants shrugged.

“He has only gotten worse since the movie came out [on video],” Gants added. “I’m pretty sure he goes home and watches it every night after work so he can come back in the morning and butcher lines from a movie that no one else in the office has seen. And it sucks, because at one time I really wanted to see the movie, but after hearing about how great it is for the past month, I’d be okay if I never saw another movie with ‘that guy from the movie with ‘The Rock’ in it’ again.”

One of the newest employees at Silotech, Ethan Richards tells us that it was only his second day when he was ambushed by by Hytner in the break room. “I didn’t know what to do. All of a sudden this guy I’ve never talked to is asking me what kind of sense of humor I have, and then goes off about a ‘Whispering Eye’ for the next fifteen minutes. I decided I’m going to start taking my lunch at my desk from now on.” Richards adds with the sound of defeat in his voice, “but I know that probably won’t stop him. I heard that when ‘Norbit’ came out, he did the same thing. I’m really glad I wasn’t here for that one.”

Sources tell us that before going crazy about ‘Role Models’ Hytner talked non-stop about ‘Norbit’ which was preceded by ‘Meet The Spartans.’

All of the employees at Silotech feel that they are in a lose-lose situation as well, because if they see the movie in hopes that Hytner will finally let it go, they run the risk of striking up a whole new conversation with him about it, but if they take a stand on not seeing the movie altogether, they worry that his rants will never stop. A woman in the office who asked to remain anonymous tells us that after weighing those two options against one another she finally rested on what the best solution would be, “I was on my way to put in my two weeks when you stopped me.”

When finally getting a chance to talk to Hynter, every question we asked him was followed up with a ten-minute explanation about how it reminded him of ‘Role Models.’ As it turns out, Hytner had a girlfriend who left him after watching ‘Role Models’ together, which is “just like what happens to the guy in the movie, except, in the movie she comes back.”

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Vol. 1 – Local Hero Goes Out In Blaze Of Irony

By Ryan Gaston

Monday evening in a fateful attempt to follow the old creed of “Do something new every day,” as well as Eleanor Roosevelt’s infamous quote “Do something every day that scares you,” Ryan Gaston attempted to light an extinguished pilot light on the water heater in his Oklahoma City home, a chore he was attempting for the first time in his life. The end result was not pleasant. The water heater was burned beyond recognition and will likely have to be replaced, along with major repairs needed to the small room attached to the back of the house where Gaston lived, where the water heater was housed, which sustained significant burns before fire trucks arrived on the scene to extinguish the flames. Also, Gaston was killed.

Though he had never officially set up his wishes for what he wanted done with his body in the event of an untimely death, on more than one occasion he had been known to say that he had no desire to be cremated; however, given the extent of the burns his body has already received, funeral directors are suggesting to the parents that they just finish the job that Gaston himself had already started. Those who were close to Gaston say that this is just the kind of irony that he would have loved. “Wherever he is now,” says roommate, and best friend, Scott Michael, “he’s really getting a good laugh about this.” Co-worker Raquel Carrington added, “He always made jokes about how he was worried about getting fired, but I doubt he ever had this in mind.”

“If there is one regret he might have about his death, aside from the fact that it happened,” adds roommate, Michael, “it would probably be that he went out in a way so closely resembling the plot of a Michael Bay movie.” When asked how he planned to cope with the loss of his roommate and long-time friend, Michael said “I’ll probably have to move out of the house. You know? It would just be too hard living here without him. I mean, there is just no way that I could make the rent every month.” Scott Michael went on to say that he and his band, award-winning local music group, Hush Hush Commotion, will play a benefit show to help raise awareness about water heaters, and the threat they pose to society.
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