Vol. 7 – New Online Dating Site Revolutionizing The Way People Get Turned Down

By Ryan Gaston

Working the dating scene can often feel like a never-ending uphill battle. Much like working out, there is often a lot of work required to put in, and at the end of the day there is often little to no reward. From going out as the third, fifth, or even seventh wheel, to attempting to pick up strangers in a bar, and trying to convince people that you are actually happy being alone, and that the last thing you need right now is to be in a relationship, the single life can be quite a demoralizing thing that shows signs of never ending. However, for those who are not quite ready to admit that they have hit rock bottom, a new dating site is here, and ready to help you accept that you are all alone, and start to move on with your life.

AllOutOfOptions.com is still in website infancy, yet is attracting a lot of buzz online, and people are flocking to the site with hopes of finding that special someone. However, there is one particular difference between AllOutOfOptions.com and every other dating site online: you have no chance of meeting anyone. Ever.

When a new user creates an account, they are invited to browse through other singles in their area, without knowing that all of the accounts they are looking through are made up, and feature profile pictures from that upper 10% of attractive people who the average person would only see in magazines or the stock photo included inside a new picture frame. Paired with these pictures of extremely beautiful people are profiles suggesting that the individual you are looking at is just as desperate, and has as low of standards as the account holder, thus boosting their confidence into messaging someone they have absolutely no business talking to.

It’s not until the user sends the message that the real mind games begin. Once sent, every time the user logs in to their account they will be able to see that their message’s status is “Not Yet Read,” while at the same time showing that the recipient is “Online Now!” As a result, depending on the level on insecure hopelessness of the user, some will sit and tirelessly wait for hours for their message to be read and get a reply. An online tracker keeps tallies how many times the user logs on, as well as the amount of time spent idling on their inbox, and once an undetermined length of time has been reached, usually several painstaking days later for the sender of the message, the status will change to “Reading Now,” and the cycle will begin all over again. The website’s founder, K.C. Wells, adds, “There comes a time when people need to just give up. We’re here to help those people who don’t wear a watch.”

“Everyone of us has that single friend who, no matter how hard they try, just can’t seem to catch a break in the dating world,” Wells says, “And let’s be honest, it’s miserable having to deal with them. There’s nothing worse in this world for me than being asked for dating advice by friends, especially knowing that even if there were some magic book for how to act normal around people, they’d still find a way to somehow mess it all up. That’s why I started this website. I’ve found that the best the best start to healing a lonely heart is by first breaking the spirit.”

And with the cat-and-mouse mind games of waiting to see if and when something will happen, they are doing just that. Wells went on to talk about the different packages his website offers to help bring down the helpless. When users who sign up for a 1 to 3 month subscription, or the “Bottom Of The Barrel” package, as they browse through profiles, the website automatically alters the information the person is seeing so that it does not match their own. After seeing profile after profile of people with radically different views on life, slowly but surely the user will come to the realization that they have nothing in common with anyone. This method is designed to get users to give up quickly, but for those who subscribe for 6 to 9 months, also referred to as a “Slow Burn,” AllOutOfOptions.com will go as far to actually respond when a user sends a message, after waiting several days of course, and set up dates with the person at popular and expensive restaurants around the city, just so the individual can find out what it feels like to be stood up.

The results of these methods have received universal acclaim from the friends and family of those who use the site. Reports indicate the user will initially be down and depressed more than usual, but once they come out of that state, they are extremely more bearable to be around. A friend of IsThereAnybodyOutThere17 tells us, “He isn’t half as annoying as he was before. I can’t even begin to tell you what an improvement this is.”

Once an individual is no longer a grievance to society, AllOutOfOptions.com will begin to send them tips on getting the most out of the single life through helpful weekly emails. With such subjects as “Cooking For One: Why Doing Less Dishes Can Be More Fun” as well as “Some Movies Are Better Watched Alone,” these beneficial emails help drastically reduce any chance of a relapse.

“It’s a natural human instinct to want to help people,” Wells concluded. “And that’s exactly what we’re doing here, one socially inept retard at a time.”

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