Vol. 4 – Sensible Parents Ready To Admit Their Newborn Baby Is Not That Cute

By Ryan Gaston

Dennis and Charlotte Madsen recently fulfilled a lifelong dream of finally having a baby together. The loving couple was married in the summer of 2005, and have been trying to get pregnant ever since. However, their path to happiness has not been an easy one, as it was littered with obstacles all along the way such as a fear of ovarian cancer that has long run in Charlotte’s family, moving across the country for business, and an accidental vasectomy in the winter of 2007 when Dennis’ chart was accidentally swapped for another patients’ by a nurse in training. Having overcome such seemingly insurmountable difficulties, the news could not have been better when their doctor finally confirmed to the couple that they were indeed pregnant. However, ten months after receiving the news that they had so long hoped for, the parents of one-month-old Allen Madsen have come to a dismaying realization: “We really aren’t that happy with him.”

The Madsen’s say that they rarely take Allen out in public so as to avoid people who are naturally drawn to look into a baby carriage, only to see their faces cringe, and then listen to them overcompensate by going on and on about how cute of a baby he really is. “We know he’s not cute,” Dennis says. “We are aware of the situation, and people who keep on about it only make it worse. Charlotte and I have come to terms with the fact that we have an ugly baby, and that there isn’t anything we can do… Believe me, we’ve checked.”

Right after Allen was born, the Madsen’s just took his distasteful appearance to be the result having just spent nine months trapped inside of a womb, but it was after the nurses cleaned Allen up and brought him back into the room after the mother had time to rest that their concern began to grow. “We asked the nurse if she was sure he was our baby,” Charlotte said. “We just couldn’t figure out how we could make something like that.” Despite the insistence of the nurse, the Madsen’s soon requested some blood work to be drawn up to confirm that this baby did in fact belong to them. After reviewing the results that proved that Allen was theirs, and that neither parent had any infidelities, the Madsen’s hung their heads and took their new baby home.

“Having a baby is just a huge undertaking,” Dennis said. “There is so much time, money, and love that goes into having one, and it’s hard to give him any of those things considering how he looks.”

When asked what they think about his future, the Madsen’s replied, “Well, we’ve been thinking about it, and we’re hoping that maybe he can land some kind of managerial job somewhere, like a department store or something. I mean, nothing with a lot of face time with people, but still something that pays well…” Charlotte continued, “Don’t get us wrong, we want him to be successful in life in whatever he does, but as it stands right now, we’re holding out on the chance that he’ll be really smart.”

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