Vol. 10 – Area Man Breaks Phone After Losing Temper With ‘Angry Birds,’ Says Game Is ‘Bullshit’

By Ryan Gaston

With over 12 million copies downloaded worldwide, ‘Angry Birds’ has become one of the most widely successful and universally praised games to come out in recent memory. Its ease of use, combined with its instantly addictive gameplay, has resulted in nothing but acclaim and has made the game a staple among mobile devices, and has even begun the expansion to regular desktop computers and gaming consoles as well. In just a few short years, ‘Angry Birds’ has become a household name, synonymous with family-friendly games that anyone can instantly enjoy. That is, except for one man named Clayton Wallard, who recently threw his iPhone in disgust, smashing it into the wall, resulting in a broken screen, and the need for minor home maintenance in his living room. “It’s bullshit,” Wallard explained as he gathered the pieces of his broken iPhone. “You cannot get three stars on all of these. It’s not possible. This game is stupid.”

This episode was brought on after spending half an hour trying to pass level 7-4 of the game, while obtaining all three stars at the level’s completion, the highest achievement available on each level. “It’s those damn boomerang birds!” Clayton continued. “Who the hell likes those? They’re worthless! You can’t do anything with them!”

Roommate, and fellow Angry Birds enthusiast, Derrik Kelley tried explaining to Wallard that if a level has you stumped, you can watch demonstrations of how to beat it on YouTube. This gesture of good faith on Kelley’s end only resulted in furthering along Wallard’s tantrum. “Yeah, I’ve heard of YouTube, you stupid idiot! I watched the video 100 times, and I do exactly what they do every damn time, and it still doesn’t work! It’s bullshit, Derrik…” Clayton said. “And if you like it, then you can go to hell.”

As a result of these kinds of outbursts and reactions becoming more and more common amongst players of the game, Apple is introducing a new preventive coverage that customers who play Angry Birds, and admittedly have a short fuse, can add on to their warranty plan for their iPhone. Known as their iRage coverage, the new plan gives customers a specially designed protective case that has proven to stand up to even the angriest of Angry Birds players. Constructed from space-age memory foam, previously used by NASA, bubble wrap, and duct tape, the case becomes so bulky and awkward, that just carrying the phone becomes a bothersome chore, and deters usage of the phone of any kind.

Apple hopes that taking these preventive measures can lead to the eventual abolishment of Angry Birds-related damage to the customers phones. However, for some players out there, like Clayton Wallard, it’s too little, too late. “I don’t give a shit,” he explains. “It’s a stupid game, and it’s impossible to beat. It’s bullshit, and I don’t even care anymore. I’m going back to my Nokia 5110, and ‘Snake’ and the rest of you can all go to hell.”

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