Vol. 10 – Area Man Breaks Phone After Losing Temper With ‘Angry Birds,’ Says Game Is ‘Bullshit’

By Ryan Gaston

With over 12 million copies downloaded worldwide, ‘Angry Birds’ has become one of the most widely successful and universally praised games to come out in recent memory. Its ease of use, combined with its instantly addictive gameplay, has resulted in nothing but acclaim and has made the game a staple among mobile devices, and has even begun the expansion to regular desktop computers and gaming consoles as well. In just a few short years, ‘Angry Birds’ has become a household name, synonymous with family-friendly games that anyone can instantly enjoy. That is, except for one man named Clayton Wallard, who recently threw his iPhone in disgust, smashing it into the wall, resulting in a broken screen, and the need for minor home maintenance in his living room. “It’s bullshit,” Wallard explained as he gathered the pieces of his broken iPhone. “You cannot get three stars on all of these. It’s not possible. This game is stupid.”

This episode was brought on after spending half an hour trying to pass level 7-4 of the game, while obtaining all three stars at the level’s completion, the highest achievement available on each level. “It’s those damn boomerang birds!” Clayton continued. “Who the hell likes those? They’re worthless! You can’t do anything with them!”

Roommate, and fellow Angry Birds enthusiast, Derrik Kelley tried explaining to Wallard that if a level has you stumped, you can watch demonstrations of how to beat it on YouTube. This gesture of good faith on Kelley’s end only resulted in furthering along Wallard’s tantrum. “Yeah, I’ve heard of YouTube, you stupid idiot! I watched the video 100 times, and I do exactly what they do every damn time, and it still doesn’t work! It’s bullshit, Derrik…” Clayton said. “And if you like it, then you can go to hell.”

As a result of these kinds of outbursts and reactions becoming more and more common amongst players of the game, Apple is introducing a new preventive coverage that customers who play Angry Birds, and admittedly have a short fuse, can add on to their warranty plan for their iPhone. Known as their iRage coverage, the new plan gives customers a specially designed protective case that has proven to stand up to even the angriest of Angry Birds players. Constructed from space-age memory foam, previously used by NASA, bubble wrap, and duct tape, the case becomes so bulky and awkward, that just carrying the phone becomes a bothersome chore, and deters usage of the phone of any kind.

Apple hopes that taking these preventive measures can lead to the eventual abolishment of Angry Birds-related damage to the customers phones. However, for some players out there, like Clayton Wallard, it’s too little, too late. “I don’t give a shit,” he explains. “It’s a stupid game, and it’s impossible to beat. It’s bullshit, and I don’t even care anymore. I’m going back to my Nokia 5110, and ‘Snake’ and the rest of you can all go to hell.”

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Vol. 9 – As 2012 Approaches, Hallmark Readies New Line Of ‘Happy Last Birthday’ Cards

By Ryan Gaston

In an attempt to get a jump on the impending destruction of all mankind that is rapidly approaching us this next year, Hallmark announced today that they are in the very early stages on a new line of somber birthday cards that they are calling “the best last birthday greeting you’ll ever get.” Currently known as their ‘Happy Last Birthday’ line, Hallmark hopes that these new cards, filled with messages hopeful congratulations, alongside pieces of solemn regret, will give the recipient a bittersweet feeling as they symbolically blow out their candles one last time before 2012, and the world, come to an end.

Hoping to gain popularity among the same groups of people who needlessly stocked up in preparation for Y2K over a decade ago, Hallmark hopes that their new cards will be made useful in sprucing up bomb shelters and panic rooms all across the country. “During the Y2K scare,” Hallmark spokesperson Nelson Johnson says, “people were so focused on canned food, bottled water, and urine filtration and recycling systems for their hideouts, that they forgot about arguably the most important thing to keep on hand: a tender heart. Hopefully these cards can help keep spirits high while the world outside is going all to hell.” So far the new line of cards has tested remarkably well with focus groups, and have achieved a general consensus that while not necessarily a necessity, a thoughtful card on the mantle can make any good fall-out shelter feel just a little more homely.

Production has yet to begin working on all cylinders, as the company still has all of the 2011 holidays to get through, and taking into consideration that the Mayan calendar says there is nothing to worry about until December 21, 2011, October has been slated as the big kick-off. The prototypes of the cards made up so far appear as generic as any other card you might receive when not on the brink of the apocalypse, with the cliche bright colors, pictures of balloons, and confetti, surrounding words of warm wishes, but once opened, the recipient will be exposed to a bleak and morose conclusion.

One example features a photograph of a field of sunflowers on the front that reads “May your birthday be filled with nothing but peace and tranquility…” and closes “Because next year there will just be nothing.” Another has a cartoon tiger wearing sunglasses in a jungle scene that says “Hey Cool Cat! Did you know that this is more than just a birthday card?!” followed on the inside by, “It can also be burned for warmth, or used as toilet paper.” Hallmark has even gone to the efforts of making an ‘Over The Hill’ card as well, with the message, “They say at this age, your good looks and memory are the first things to go…” concluded with, “But it’s probably going to be the sun, followed by plant life, and eventually every other living thing.”

Nelson Winter continued “Ever since our founding in 1910, Hallmark has prided itself on being there for people with a heartfelt greeting for every occasion they might come across, and what better time to show we care than in mankind’s final moments? Our goal has always been to be the first and last name in greeting cards, and come next December, I think it’s clear we’ll have accomplished just that.”

Winter went on to say that depending on the initial success of the cards, as time approaches they might also branch out from the ‘last birthday’ and shine some light on some other final holidays, like Halloween, Valentine’s, and Mother’s and Father’s Day, saying that at that point in time, production costs pretty much go out the window since no one will be around to pay the bill.

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Vol. 8 – M. Night Shyamalan Working On Newest Comedy

By Ryan Gaston

When he burst onto the scene in 1999 with his mind-bending ghost thriller ‘The Sixth Sense,’ M. Night Shyamalan was instantly viewed as a force to be reckoned with, and the release of his next few follow-ups, ‘Unbreakable’ and ‘Signs,’ even garnered him such acclaim from critics as being heralded as the next Steven Spielberg. However, after making a string of critically and commercially acclaimed suspenseful thrillers, Shyamalan decided to try his hand at the world of comedy, and after finding even more success in that genre, he is showing no signs of ever returning to the films that originally made him a mispronounced household name.

Following up on the commercial success of his alien-invasion film, ‘Signs,’ Shyamalan next delivered ‘Lady In The Water,’ which left audiences everywhere unsure of this new direction he was taking his career, away from the twist-endings and mystery he had become so associated with before, and into the world of a nonsensical, almost humorous, mess. With no indication from Shyamalan that this was not supposed to be taken seriously, people were left bewildered, unsure if they had been caught up in an elaborate joke, and if so, what was the punchline?

His comedic direction became more clear with his next effort, ‘The Happening,’ in which he geared the film towards adults by making this his first R-rated picture, a fact that the movie studios proceeded to force down the throats of the general public with every piece of marketing they could cook up for the movie. Once again, Shyamalan served up another work that by all definitions and technicalities of the word was a film, but this time he even left the actors of the movie out of the loop, resulting in stagnant, unmotivated performances on-screen, while Shyamalan laughed behind the camera as he put another notch in his comedic belt.

It was not until his adaptation of the beloved children cartoon ‘Avatar: The Last Airbender’ into a feature film that his true Andy Kaufman-esque genius really shone through. Literally all he had to do with this project was take an established franchise and convert it from an animated cartoon, into a live-action feature film, a task no one could have ever imagined him being able to turn into a piece of comedy. However, once again, he proved himself to be amongst the elite when it comes to inside jokes, and while critics came after the film with torches and pitchforks in hand, Shyamalan sat back and smiled, knowing that he had laid another stone on the path that is surely to be one of the most elaborate schemes to get a laugh in the history of cinema.

In an attempt to pull another fast one on audiences, he even tried giving his ideas away to other directors to use, with the film ‘Devil,’ but once audiences caught wind that this was simply another Shyamalan ploy, the laughs came through harder and louder than ever before.

Having become well established now as a comic genius, Shyamalan has recently gone back to the drawing boards in preparation for his newest soon-to-be masterpiece, and sources close to Shyamalan have said this new project, which is so far untitled, could be the most absurdly asinine piece of work he has had his hand in yet. Shyamalan has even gone on record to say that those who have stayed with him through these last few comedic gems are in for another piece cinematic gold. “I’ve got a lot of ideas floating around right now, but there’s a lot of things still up in the air,” Shyamalan says in regards to the plot of his newest project. “I was thinking maybe of having the entire thing take place in an underwater colony at the bottom of the ocean, but not have it known until the very end they had been on Mars the entire time. And due to atmospheric changes on Earth, there had been an orbital shift in the planet’s rotation, and as a result, every night there was a full-moon, and a race of werewolves had taken over the planet.” After finally catching his breath after his uproarious laughing fit, when asked how the inhabitants of the colony had managed to get enough water to Mars to create an ocean, he replied quickly, and with a straight face, “Aliens.”

When asked how he thinks audiences might respond to such a ridiculous premise for a movie, he slowly gazed around the living room of his Pennsylvanian mansion, and said “Did you see ‘The Last Airbender? Considering that they didn’t catch on after that one, I think I’ll be just fine.”

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Vol. 7 – New Online Dating Site Revolutionizing The Way People Get Turned Down

By Ryan Gaston

Working the dating scene can often feel like a never-ending uphill battle. Much like working out, there is often a lot of work required to put in, and at the end of the day there is often little to no reward. From going out as the third, fifth, or even seventh wheel, to attempting to pick up strangers in a bar, and trying to convince people that you are actually happy being alone, and that the last thing you need right now is to be in a relationship, the single life can be quite a demoralizing thing that shows signs of never ending. However, for those who are not quite ready to admit that they have hit rock bottom, a new dating site is here, and ready to help you accept that you are all alone, and start to move on with your life.

AllOutOfOptions.com is still in website infancy, yet is attracting a lot of buzz online, and people are flocking to the site with hopes of finding that special someone. However, there is one particular difference between AllOutOfOptions.com and every other dating site online: you have no chance of meeting anyone. Ever.

When a new user creates an account, they are invited to browse through other singles in their area, without knowing that all of the accounts they are looking through are made up, and feature profile pictures from that upper 10% of attractive people who the average person would only see in magazines or the stock photo included inside a new picture frame. Paired with these pictures of extremely beautiful people are profiles suggesting that the individual you are looking at is just as desperate, and has as low of standards as the account holder, thus boosting their confidence into messaging someone they have absolutely no business talking to.

It’s not until the user sends the message that the real mind games begin. Once sent, every time the user logs in to their account they will be able to see that their message’s status is “Not Yet Read,” while at the same time showing that the recipient is “Online Now!” As a result, depending on the level on insecure hopelessness of the user, some will sit and tirelessly wait for hours for their message to be read and get a reply. An online tracker keeps tallies how many times the user logs on, as well as the amount of time spent idling on their inbox, and once an undetermined length of time has been reached, usually several painstaking days later for the sender of the message, the status will change to “Reading Now,” and the cycle will begin all over again. The website’s founder, K.C. Wells, adds, “There comes a time when people need to just give up. We’re here to help those people who don’t wear a watch.”

“Everyone of us has that single friend who, no matter how hard they try, just can’t seem to catch a break in the dating world,” Wells says, “And let’s be honest, it’s miserable having to deal with them. There’s nothing worse in this world for me than being asked for dating advice by friends, especially knowing that even if there were some magic book for how to act normal around people, they’d still find a way to somehow mess it all up. That’s why I started this website. I’ve found that the best the best start to healing a lonely heart is by first breaking the spirit.”

And with the cat-and-mouse mind games of waiting to see if and when something will happen, they are doing just that. Wells went on to talk about the different packages his website offers to help bring down the helpless. When users who sign up for a 1 to 3 month subscription, or the “Bottom Of The Barrel” package, as they browse through profiles, the website automatically alters the information the person is seeing so that it does not match their own. After seeing profile after profile of people with radically different views on life, slowly but surely the user will come to the realization that they have nothing in common with anyone. This method is designed to get users to give up quickly, but for those who subscribe for 6 to 9 months, also referred to as a “Slow Burn,” AllOutOfOptions.com will go as far to actually respond when a user sends a message, after waiting several days of course, and set up dates with the person at popular and expensive restaurants around the city, just so the individual can find out what it feels like to be stood up.

The results of these methods have received universal acclaim from the friends and family of those who use the site. Reports indicate the user will initially be down and depressed more than usual, but once they come out of that state, they are extremely more bearable to be around. A friend of IsThereAnybodyOutThere17 tells us, “He isn’t half as annoying as he was before. I can’t even begin to tell you what an improvement this is.”

Once an individual is no longer a grievance to society, AllOutOfOptions.com will begin to send them tips on getting the most out of the single life through helpful weekly emails. With such subjects as “Cooking For One: Why Doing Less Dishes Can Be More Fun” as well as “Some Movies Are Better Watched Alone,” these beneficial emails help drastically reduce any chance of a relapse.

“It’s a natural human instinct to want to help people,” Wells concluded. “And that’s exactly what we’re doing here, one socially inept retard at a time.”

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Vol. 6 – Still No Advances For Police As Serial Killer Claims Seventh Victim

By Ryan Gaston

Police investigation remains in a deadlock today as another murder victim has been discovered following the same pattern of six previous homicides by an assailant who has come to be known around law enforcement circles as “The Looney Tunes Killer.”

Police were successfully able link the murders together, after initially believing them all to be unrelated, upon finding the remains of Byron Hendricks, the fourth victim. Hendricks, a member of a touring group of Civil War re-enactors had been found crushed to death by an anvil that had fallen on his head. The incident was first dismissed as a freak accident, the coroner even going as far to say that Hendricks was simply “a victim of circumstance.”

However, detectives began noticing similarities between Hendricks and three previously unsolved deaths, and quickly came to realize that these occurrences did not happen by chance, but were in fact enacted by a felon who remains at large. The first, and by far most gruesome, murder was that of Roger O’Hare, who had been shot in the face, and had his jaw surgically removed, and reattached on the back of his head, in a similar fashion to Daffy Duck.

Initially thought to be the actions of a possibly psychotic plastic surgeon, police did not make a connection with the death of O’Hare and the deaths of James and Rebecca Simpson, who died in a car crash when the unknowingly drove their Toyota Prius into a wall that had been painted to look like a street going beneath a bridge. It was not until Hendricks’ unfortunate encounter with the anvil that police were able to clearly see a recurring theme in the deaths.

Since the death of Hendricks, which helped ignite the case into a pull blown police investigation, four more victims have been discovered whose deaths have followed The Looney Tunes Killer’s formula.

Oliver Davies’ body was found with evidence that he had been deceived into eating a stick of dynamite disguised as a hot dog, and Terry Mueller met an untimely demise when he lit up a cigar only to find the fillings were replaced with gun powder. Paul Banner, the seventh, and most recent victim, was simply thrown from the roof of a twelve-story building dressed as a coyote.

“He’s just messing with us now,” says lead detective on the Looney Tune Killer case, Shaun Riley. “This latest murder is just him rubbing it in our faces that we’re nowhere close to catching this guy.”

While police tell us they’ve been paying special attention to sales of dynamite, anvils, and rocket-powered skates, they admit that due to extensive catalogue of Looney Tunes cartoons going back for decades, that there is no way to guess his next attack.

Detective Riley goes on to tell us that if the Looney Tunes Killer has in his possession a black hole that can be relocated at will to lay across streets and sidewalks, that he could also be responsible for a number of unsolved missing persons cases as well.

The investigation remains on-going at this point, but one can only hope this demented, albeit comical, killer is brought to justice soon.

“Although we don’t condone his actions,” Riley tells us, “it is somewhat refreshing to have a serial killer with a sense of humor for a change. Remembering all those old cartoons that we watched as kids, trying to determine what his next move is going to be, has made this the most nostalgic investigation I’ve ever had the pleasure of working on.”

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Vol. 5 – Area Man Receives Passive Aggressive Note From Roommate After Drinking All The Milk

By Ryan Gaston

Jeremiah Dodson arrived home Monday evening from work to find a piece of paper taped to the refrigerator with the hand writing of of his roommate, Isaac Hardley, filling the page from top to bottom. Eager to see what his roommate had left for him, he pulled the paper down and quickly found the note to be hostile in nature, and dripping with sarcasm.

It was not until he was finished reading that the true explanation of the note became clear to Dodson, the result of which being linked to Jeremiah drinking the last of the milk the night before, that Hardley had purchased, leaving Hardley to be forced to eat dry cereal for breakfast, to the fullest extent of the word.

“I’m really not sure what to make of this,” Dodson said, awe struck, as he scanned over the note for a second time. “This seems like it might be a joke, but I really can’t tell for sure.”

Some excerpts from the note include Hardley referring to Dodson as “a leech who never contributes anything, but takes everything,” as well as an instance where Hardley tells Dodson that he “doesn’t go shopping so you can have something to eat.” According to the note, such occasions are not uncommon, but apparently, it seems that Hardley has reached his breaking point. Other examples cited include a time when Hardley found an IOU in a chip clip, where his newly opened bag of Sun Chips had once resided, and also the return of a used condom that Dodson told him was still good to use, because he “didn’t finish.”

In response to the condom incident, Jeremiah says, “I’ve got to plead ignorance on that one. How was I supposed to know that girl I met wasn’t clean? Isaac will try to have you believe that I gave his girlfriend herpes, but I don’t see how that’s possible since the closest we’ve ever come to having sex was when I walked in on her in the shower. I really don’t think it’s my fault, at least not 100%.”

When an offer was made to replace the milk by Dodson, Isaac replied, “Well, that would be a start in the right direction at least. I don’t really see how a gallon of milk can make up for everything else, but let’s just work with baby steps.” Jeremiah agreed to try and do better in the future about being “that guy” all of the time, and do more to chip in. Hardley admits that he should have brought up his grievances long ago, but is just relieved to know that the situation is getting resolved now.

Jeremiah opted to cut the interview short to have time to go replace the milk, but stopped on his way out to ask Isaac, “Hey man, you think you could spot me a few bucks?”

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Vol. 4 – Sensible Parents Ready To Admit Their Newborn Baby Is Not That Cute

By Ryan Gaston

Dennis and Charlotte Madsen recently fulfilled a lifelong dream of finally having a baby together. The loving couple was married in the summer of 2005, and have been trying to get pregnant ever since. However, their path to happiness has not been an easy one, as it was littered with obstacles all along the way such as a fear of ovarian cancer that has long run in Charlotte’s family, moving across the country for business, and an accidental vasectomy in the winter of 2007 when Dennis’ chart was accidentally swapped for another patients’ by a nurse in training. Having overcome such seemingly insurmountable difficulties, the news could not have been better when their doctor finally confirmed to the couple that they were indeed pregnant. However, ten months after receiving the news that they had so long hoped for, the parents of one-month-old Allen Madsen have come to a dismaying realization: “We really aren’t that happy with him.”

The Madsen’s say that they rarely take Allen out in public so as to avoid people who are naturally drawn to look into a baby carriage, only to see their faces cringe, and then listen to them overcompensate by going on and on about how cute of a baby he really is. “We know he’s not cute,” Dennis says. “We are aware of the situation, and people who keep on about it only make it worse. Charlotte and I have come to terms with the fact that we have an ugly baby, and that there isn’t anything we can do… Believe me, we’ve checked.”

Right after Allen was born, the Madsen’s just took his distasteful appearance to be the result having just spent nine months trapped inside of a womb, but it was after the nurses cleaned Allen up and brought him back into the room after the mother had time to rest that their concern began to grow. “We asked the nurse if she was sure he was our baby,” Charlotte said. “We just couldn’t figure out how we could make something like that.” Despite the insistence of the nurse, the Madsen’s soon requested some blood work to be drawn up to confirm that this baby did in fact belong to them. After reviewing the results that proved that Allen was theirs, and that neither parent had any infidelities, the Madsen’s hung their heads and took their new baby home.

“Having a baby is just a huge undertaking,” Dennis said. “There is so much time, money, and love that goes into having one, and it’s hard to give him any of those things considering how he looks.”

When asked what they think about his future, the Madsen’s replied, “Well, we’ve been thinking about it, and we’re hoping that maybe he can land some kind of managerial job somewhere, like a department store or something. I mean, nothing with a lot of face time with people, but still something that pays well…” Charlotte continued, “Don’t get us wrong, we want him to be successful in life in whatever he does, but as it stands right now, we’re holding out on the chance that he’ll be really smart.”

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